THE ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE
Don’t delay. Prepare now for the zombie apocalypse. Your life and the lives of your loved ones depends on it! Don’t think it is possible? Have you NOT seen what colleges now call graduates?!?!?!?!
The Apocalypse
Here It Comes… Are you ready?
The Zombie Apocalypse is a phrase used to describe the inevitable breakdown of society as we know it due to a zombie infestation.
Precise details of when and where the zombie outbreak will originate and what will cause it are largely unknown at the present time, but we do know that it is coming sometime soon and will affect the entire planet. Traces of evidence appear hourly, if not more often on social media, and in the “Media”. Mindless drones are now a thing…..not the ones that fly but the ones that the media always seems to interview at rallies.
Regardless of its exact nature, the zombie apocalypse is expected to follow these predetermined steps:
- Outbreak
The first zombie (or zombies) are brought into existence. Causes include magic, a virus, extraterrestrial interference, sun spots, climate change, an overdose of FaceBook, just one more cable-news channel, and Russians, always Russians - Ensuing chaos, death and destruction – like Chicago on a weekend
The pioneer zombies forge an assault on the uninfected human population, resulting in more zombies and less humans due to either infection or the recently killed rising as undead, like the Rolling Stones doing “one more tour!” - Fall of the authorities
Despite their best efforts, local law enforcement and the military are unable to contain or combat the zombie threat and quickly become overwhelmed by the walking dead. The city of Berkeley has already documented this phenomenon. - Formation of isolated groups
Small groups of individuals band together for survival. Disputes and conflicts will often break out among the living despite the increasing zombie threat, a trend first noted in the Republican Party - Group mergers
These isolated groups will increase in number as straggling survivors join them and groups merge into larger communities, the birth to the repeat of history that brought us to the apocalypse in the first place - Rebuilding of society
Large dense populations of humans will reform as they formulate plans to combat the zombie infestation and rebuild society. The rise of the feudal “City state” furthers the case for history being repeated.
Zombies
Know the enemy… before he recognizes you as it’s prey
If you want to survive the forthcoming zombie apocalypse, you will need to learn about zombies. Whether you plan to fight, flee or hide, an intimate knowledge of the zombie’s body and mind will increase your chances of staying alive.
Because the zombie outbreak has not yet happened, the exact nature of the zombie is still an unknown quantity, though social media warriors provide valuable insight. Fortunately the greatest minds of science and Hollywood have combined to give us an idea of what to expect from our eventual undead foes.
The ‘classic’ zombie (pictured here) will be your most likely threat post-apocalypse. “Acting like teenagers” will be your first clue that they are now devoid of all previous human traits.
Their brains are only able to provide the body with the very basic motor functions. These include:
- A slow lumbering walk
- The ability to reach out with their arms (although their hands have almost zero dexterity)
- A primeval bite or scratch
- Eating human flesh
- Voting for Democrats since their death
- Texting while driving, paying $7 for a cup of coffee and never looking up from their phones…
If the cause of the zombie outbreak is an infection of some kind, it may only take a small scratch or bite from one of these guys to pass on the contagion. This is not to say that the launch of the latest iPhone, a Star Trek Convention, a ComiCon, or a Justin Timberlake concert can not produce the same behavior temporarily.
Due to their lack of speed, they can easily be outran but their strength lies in their numbers and it is almost impossible to get away from a hoard of these zombies without the aid of massive firepower or a vehicle that won’t start until the very last second.
Despite the lack of cognitive ability in the Classic Zombie, they have a blood-lust for human flesh and this is their main driving force, along with getting an autograph from Ariana Grande. It may be the case that their insatiable desire to eat humans hones their senses to much higher levels than when they were alive as they may be able to smell living human flesh over long distances.
If they have a pain threshold, it is astonishingly high and they will continue to gravitate towards their living sustenance even if they are suffering from wounds that would immobilise a living human. Even with severed limbs, they will still attempt to locate, approach and eat the living, as well as get to the next map/mission in Call of Duty.
The single wound that they cannot recover from and which will ultimately kill them once and for all is severe brain trauma. Your greatest chance of stopping a zombie in its tracks is by concentrating your firepower at its head.
BUT, the worse is yet to come as you must also learn how to deal with so-called ‘special’ zombies. Special zombies have particular skills or abilities, which make them deadlier opponents. The root of these will be politicians, Hollywood elites, and the already brain-dead who fawn over them currently. Their knowledge of makeup, dress, style and gab may facilitate them penetrating your defenses. Be vigilant in your assessments of these undead.
- Humans
There’s No ‘I’ in Team
Taking on hordes of zombies is not a one-man or woman (or any of the other 53 genders) job – you will need to assemble a team of crack zombie killers, preferably not on crack. Once the panic and destruction of the initial zombie outbreak has died down, those that survive will be cut off from one another, maybe alone.
Whatever you decide to do next, whether it’s search for a loved one or go on a zombie killing spree, or look for companions, your best chance of survival is to find other like-minded individuals – and if like-minded individuals are sparse, living individuals may be the next best thing, though they are always the most dangerous on TV and in the movies.
Safety in numbers may be the key here. Whether you like them or not is unimportant (and when you’re making group decisions, disputes will inevitably break out). Your most important task right now is to have people watching your back, as you watch theirs.
Your ability to locate and befriend other survivors will be paramount to your survival, so make no small task of working on your social skills pre-apocalypse. Develop the ability to text and sight-in simultaneously, to drive a vehicle, play a game on your smart phone, and find a Red Bull at the same time. Knowing how to cook a meal over a campfire while cleaning your weapons and stitching up a wounded comrade will be a life-skill that others will seek.
- Training
Your Body is a Temple
To survive in a post-apocalyptic zombie-ridden world takes training and hard work. Yes, you may be able to learn “on the job” without any prior preparation but your chances of preservation will be increased if you have trained your body and mind beforehand.
Not only should you keep your body in tip-top condition, but you will also need to learn a plethora of skills to ensure your longevity. Remember that natural selection favors those that are best equipped to survive in their environment. Darwin.
- Weapons
Tool Up! Choose your darlings…
To be a successful zombie apocalypse survivor, you need to familiarize yourself with a wide variety of weapons. The rule of thumb at first should be “anything I can get my hands on”, followed by a better approach, time permitting.
As we stated above the only way to effectively kill a zombie is via brain trauma. This can take many forms including shooting, decapitation, bludgeoning, stabbing, burning, freezing and exploding. The important thing is to always aim for the head. While methods of forcing them to watch marathons of “The View”, “Good Morning America” or “Full Frontal” will eventually turn their brains to mush, as it has already done to your fellow citizens, it is not fast enough to save you from them, and their attention spans are shorter than the people on those shows.
That said the weapons below are a good “starter kit”:
Close-Combat Weapons
- Baseball Bat
- Cricket Bat
- Golf Club
- Wooden Stick
- Metal Pipe
- Guitar
- Sword
- Knife/Dagger
- Hammer
- Fire Extinguisher
- Chains
- Axe
- Chainsaw
- Power Drill
- Ice Pick
- Chop Sticks
- Silverware, excluding the spoon unless your are a full on “ANIMAL WARRIOR!”
Ranged Weapons
- Sling
- Pistol
- Shotgun
- Bow
- Crossbow
- Minigun
- Machine Gun
- Paint ball gun shooting KFC chicken (?) nuggets
Long-Ranged Weapons
- Rifle
- Sniper Rifle
- Mounted Machine Gun
- C-Span blaring on speakers
Explosives
- Molotov Cocktail
- Grenade
- Dynamite
- Landmine
- Sour mash still
Kit
Be Prepared!
To stay alive after the zombie apocalypse in a world where the mod-cons of modern society no longer exist requires supplies and equipment that will be essential to preserving yourself and your team in the post-apocalyptic world.
Ideally, you will want to prepare your survival kit prior to the zombie uprising and store it somewhere safe and easily accessible. If you have teenagers hide it where you keep household cleaning supplies. If you have in-laws staying with you NEVER hide it where you keep the liquor!
There is no reason for you to not start building your zombie survival kit today. Although some of the items on the list below may be impractical to obtain pre-apocalypse, like a rifle if you live in Europe, or Canada, or Cuba, or Mexico, or, well, you get the picture. On the other hand many of the items can be gathered quickly and inexpensively once the SHTF, like a rifle in France.
In addition, items that may seem difficult to acquire today will be easier to procure after society has broken down, when looting will become widespread, because, you know, everyone needs a 60″ flat screen for their bunker.
A typical zombie survival kit should consist of:
Essentials
- Water – 1 Gallon per person per day – assumes hygiene is toast
- Non-perishable or canned food (enough to last a week) – yummy
- Can opener – really? Can’t make it without a can opener? You get “point” on patrols
- A stockpile of any prescription medicines required by your family – and drugs family members are addicted to…
- A first-aid kit, and knowing what it is and is not for
- A knife
- A clockwork or battery-powered radio
- Duct tape (can fix anything)
- A change of clothes – just one, same comment as water above
- Blankets
Highly Desirable
- Hammer and nails (for fortifications)
- A hatchet
- Matches/lighter
- Weaponry (see previous chapter)
- Flashlight/torch
- Local maps
Desirable
- Wet wipes, bin bags & toilet paper – the last one so needs to be on the first list!
- Surgical mask/dust mask
- Fire extinguisher
- Bleach
- Binoculars
- Compass
Let’s Get Outta Here!
Transport
Medium to long distance travel following the zombie uprising will, at some point be a necessity so acquiring, controlling and maintaining vehicles will be fundamental to your survival.
There is a single criteria in play here – works, has keys, has gas. Move on!
Bases
Let’s Hold Out Here For a Few Days
Following the zombie outbreak, you will want to secure a base of operations, where you can eat, sleep and plan your missions in relative safety.
If you are in your home when the dead begin to rise, this will be your most likely first base. However, as time goes by you will almost certainly decide to move your base to a more appropriate location that has better facilities for the long-term.
Typical bases as used in movies include:
- Others Homes
- Indoor Malls with crappy shops
- Gun stores with working bathrooms, good luck
- Farmsteads – only if you are NOT from a city as you will be lost
- Caves
- Hotels
- Warehouses
- Prisons, hmmmm…
- Castles
- Airports
- Police Stations
- Islands, especially on fresh water lakes
Okay, all that is left now is to Have a Happy Halloween. Be safe. Let kids be kids even though it is a school night! And keep the sugar intake down….isn’t the day after Halloween called “assault your co-workers with the junk candy day?” It should be.
